Every time things aren't quite "right" in my world I think about coming back to Xanga. I love the support here. Looking back on where I was a year ago, and it definitely makes me sad. Basically, I left my job. But the logistics of "how" it happened were just crushing. I felt like my boss was envious and vengeful, I was sick of being there and difficult. All of those things were a volatile combination that summed up a recipe for disaster. Honestly, I feel fortunate that I don't have to be there. I can't believe that I let it get that bad. Seriously, I was miserable. Now looking back, I realize that I left because I wanted to avoid going through what I'm experiencing now which is: disorganization and a period of uncertainty.

But I'd pick this disorganized uncertainty over being at that job.

This was an interesting 4th of July weekend for me. I spent the better part of it all alone -by choice-. I felt like I just needed to be by myself. So I skipped out on my family reunion -shocker-. I know that sounds flat out selfish. But based on the last few family gatherings I have attended I just don't feel any sort of support from my family at all. Anything that I do accomplish just isn't enough. Everything that I am doing is just mediocre. It's not good enough that I haven't accomlished more or that I am not out on my own.

Perhaps these are my family's thoughts but for the most part they are a culmination of what I already think of my own situation. I'm always pushing myself for what's next. And causing more frustration in the process. At church we learned that frustration comes from not being where we should be with God. I truly believe that could be the source of why I'm so confused at the moment. All the things that I was praying for have come to pass, however, with some things I'm still lost in the clouds. I know I'd like to say its them that I didn't want to see because of what they think of me right now. But just because that's what I think of myself doesn't mean that's how other people see me. I remember listening to my Joyce Meyer audio book and she says that we see ourselves through rose colored glasses. I so easily see all the "wrong" that I'm doing and nit pick and tear it apart.

My communication skills with other people are not what I want them to be. And in stark contrast neither is my communication with myself or with God. Too many people are trying to tell me what they think is best instead of me listening to myself. I know what I want and no one's opinion should get in the way of that.

I've been absent from Xanga. But in the time since my last post things have changed for the better. I did my half marathon on March 21st. And I finished in 2:19. It was a great moment. But as I was running all I could think about was how much time I put into training and working up to 13.1 miles. It was exhilarating. I've been putting myself in more uncomfortable situations and thus taking more risks in the process. And just enjoying myself. I'm thankful that I don't feel as down as I did before. I love Xanga and miss it, but sometimes I'm not sure if I want to share so much personal stuff. I'll think about it for a while. I think I'll be back I'm sure. For now though this is a temporary see you later.....